How many times a day or over the course of our lives, do we stop ourselves from doing what we want? It’s usually mental chatter like

“I can’t do X because I’m Y.”

We form an identity of ourselves through repetition.

If I do job A for enough time I become an A. (Common example is asking someone what they do. They will respond to you with their job, as if that’s the main thing we are.)
If I am born in or have lived in country B for a long time, I become a B.
If I’ve had habit C for a long time, I’m a C.

So, if we are capable of adapting our sense of self around these external things – what are we?

We are an idea. Our sense of self is just a concept. Concepts can change.

I want to give you an example through my life where being flexible with the idea I had of myself, has helped me finally feel at home after two years of living in a foreign country.

Why was it different this time?

Living in Berlin has been the hardest of the moves I’ve made. I’ve moved to a new country three times before and I’ve experienced great benefits from doing so. When you go to live in a foreign country, you give up your idea of self.

“I am not A, B, C because look – right now I’m being X, Y, Z!”

It’s very liberating and but also challenging. We deal with many new stimuli. Culture, values, lifestyles. But where it’s at is the detachment to our old sense of selves. We realise we are not our job, our friends or environment. None of those things are here and yet still I exist. I believe new experiences keep us young.

I thought the reason I could not fit in Berlin was because of the language. I do not speak German as well as the other languages I spoke. I felt foreign.

“I’m a B and most people here are a D, so I don’t fit in.”

And everywhere I looked, I saw proof that my theory was correct. Not being included in chatter in the office, being unable to read the letters I received in the post and surprisingly, what I missed most was small talk. Small talk has bad rep. It seems uncreative for mentioning the weather but it’s one thing that affects us all. We can connect with a stranger on the sense that we are being affected by the same thing, that we are sharing this experience, that we are not alone. I had formed a wall between myself and the people around me because I saw myself as incompatible based on the languages I spoke.

“We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who we think others think we are.”

Role Play

We all play different characters in our lives. It’s easy to fit in a role because we have an idea of how to play and behave as that character. Here are some of the characters I’ve played.

Hitchhiker: Playful and friendly
European living in Asia: Gregarious and loud.
IT guy responsible for a lot of things: Grumpy and busy.

But these characters are not absolute. They do not exist, nor are they correct. If you ask another person, they will offer different behaviours for that character.

Here’s the punch. It is also the same way for our own character, our sense of self. We do not behave a certain way because that’s who we really are. We are, the way we are, because we’ve played the character for so long. We have blurred the line between the behaviour and our identity.

This can be scary to think about, but as you’ll soon see – it’s also liberating.

Learning from bad examples

I love my parents but the last time I visited them was frustrating. They had been complaining about the same things for several years. I know the story well. What bothered me was why don’t they do something about it? They know there are solutions for their challenges. That they are capable enough to succeed. But why still no change after all these years?

Character, my friend. Once we play a character for long enough; it slowly, imperceptibly, becomes the idea of who we are. Our identity. Does the example from the beginning ring a bell? My parents would say

“I can’t do X, Y, Z because I’m an A, B, C."

But I knew this wasn’t true!

“You are not an A, B, C; because I know you for being a J, P, W.” (Good job on keeping up with all these letters.)

I did not notice it at first but the effect of seeing my parents be so wooden with their identity made me rethink mine. If they were so inflexible then I would be radically flexible. I started letting go of the idea that I’m an English person in Germany. I started to see myself as whatever best suited my situation.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”

— Lao Tzu

Back to Berlin

My partner is German. She has lots of great friends and they often invite us to parties or events. I admit I am always reluctant to go because I fear everyone will speak German and I will have to face the feelings of being an outsider again. It’s awkward for the people there because they are not sure if I understand and then it’s awkward for me because they must tell the same story twice, in another language. And the joke never hits the same. But if I didn’t try something new, then nothing will change. I went to a BBQ.

There were some friends who I already knew, and so I already knew how to play my character. But there were some who I had not met before. I could be whoever I wanted. So I spoke German. And I understood German. Very quickly I felt a part of the whole group and took an active part in conversation. I was no longer playing the foreigner. I was playing the local (who’s grammar was a little off.)

From there I was invited to a friendly football match with lots of other locals and felt a part of the group, even with my bad German. I started having small talk with taxi drivers, postmen and neighbours. I even write my emails in German now instead of writing them in English, then pasting the translation.

Come to a dance class with me

Reading that heading, you might have felt a little pain in your gut. Then you think how embarrassing it will be.

“Nah, that’s not me, thanks.”

It feels scary because to do a new thing, we have to first let go of the idea of who we are. We must let the idea we have of ourselves die a little. Each time we refuse to try something new, we affirm our current idea of ourselves. We become more settled in our ways. Do you know who else is settled in their ways? Grumpy old men. Resisting change and experiencing new things is what makes us old. But it works both ways. Why it is so shareable when we hear an older person starting something new. Because we know that they’ve broken the cycle. They have let go of the character they were playing and are playing someone new.

This may hurt a little

Who is the character you are currently playing? Is the idea you have of yourself stopping you from doing what’s important to you? What is a local group or activity that you can attend, to show yourself that you are more than you thought. There’s a well of ability within you, and you have only just started digging.

— Marty